I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
