I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
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You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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