I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
