Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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