Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
