I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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