I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
