I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
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You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
That accounts for only three of the penises
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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