so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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