yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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