Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
