I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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