Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
