she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
