i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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