Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
