She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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