ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
