We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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