so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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