I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I love you.
Bad choice
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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