I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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