I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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