highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
