He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize