would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
