When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
