I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
