Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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