He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
