im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Congratulations! We have a period
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
