I just pynch a tree in the face
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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