so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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