Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
