when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
