And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
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Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
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We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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