I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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