Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
