Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
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she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
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Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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