Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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