and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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