There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
