Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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