I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
