My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
