I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
