I showed him my bush... on skype.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
