we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
