He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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