I showed him my bush... on skype.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
