i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
