I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
