Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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